Last month I was sitting in my doctor’s office, waiting to have a back pain issue checked out, listening to music on my headphones to pass the time. And I had a waking dream so vivid it was like it was real.
I was an old man, sitting on a sofa with somebody’s head cradled in my lap. And I looked down and it was my ex lover, “Morgan.” He was older and frail and clearly ill. I caressed the stubble on his chin and cheeks and looked into his eyes, which were still a warm brown.
“I told you I would come back to you when you needed me,” I said.
I’m not lying. The very second I said that in the dream my cellphone buzzed, breaking me out of the trance. I looked down at the caller ID and it was “Morgan.”
I picked it up.
“Hey Morgan, what’s up?”
“I’m at Founding Farmers, that restaurant you like. What do you order here?”
It seemed a stupid reason to call me. Like an excuse just to make contact. But I stayed polite.
“It’s a great restaurant and everything there is good. I think I ordered a sandwich with prosciutto ham and cheese.”
“Okay, see ya Morgan.”
I waited a few minutes. And I sent him a text. “You know its funny. I was just thinking about you and you called.”
“Something said call Immanuel,” he answered.
“LOL well at least we still have some connection.”
“I always do that with people I am emotionally attached to,” he responded.
Morgan was the first man I really loved and no matter the circumstances of the breakup I guess we will always be connected.
Sometimes I will do something that I want to brag to somebody about and think, “Wow, I should tell Morgan this.” But then I remember I can’t call because we are not lovers and really not even friends.
When I can’t go to sleep at night I can hug a pillow and pretend I am snuggling up against his broad back and doze right off. And I can still fantasize about having sex with him or watching him have sex with someone else and get aroused.
Every so often he will text. About two months ago he called me. I could tell from the background noise he was driving.
“I miss you. I think about you all the time,” he said.
He is a stoic man at times. He once told me he prided himself on being like Spock from Star Trek. The half Vulcan/half human who always kept his emotions in check. So I know how hard it is for Morgan to say that.
If only he had been more demonstrative when we were together. Maybe. Maybe…
I pause slightly before answering.
“I think about you, too,” I say, quietly. And I quickly get off the phone.
Morgan has also said he could have communicated better when we were partners. And that he is an enigma. But I answer that he is not a mystery at all. That he was pretty easy to figure out, at least for me.
I just wish Morgan would figure himself out.