Making the Leap

Making the Leap

It is done. I’ve told my wife I am leaving. She was understanding and kind… resigned.

I will share a two-bedroom apartment with a married, straight dude whose wife is away in grad school. It is ideal – less than a mile from my family home. So I can stay a part of my kids lives, which is really where my focus is now.

My wife and I are discussing when I will have weekends with the kids, how the bills will be paid etc. Financially, we are at a place where we can do this. I’m sad and happy at the same time. I feel weird, like a stranger in a strange land.

Some of my down-low friends have said go back, patch that stuff up. But the damage has been done. She knows. Every time I go to the store or gym she will be wondering – is he cheating on me. That’s not the way to live –she deserves a mate who will be totally committed to her. Who knows? She may have found him already (smile).

Besides, you can’t have your cake and eat it too. I always had a reputation as an upright, stand-up guy. That is, until I let a dude suck my dick and eventually discovered , “Damn, I prefer the company of men.” But now living a double life is too tiring. I’m tired of the lying. It’s stupid. This is 2009, not 1959!

My buddy “Andre” and I talked about this a few days ago. About down-low men who are so used to lying and covering up their true identities that lying becomes a part of their essence, their very souls. Nah, I want to live in the light! Fuck that!

Now, it’s time to explore the gay world. I’ve met some good folks over the past few months but many liars and players. Any advice readers can give me would be much appreciated…I would love to hear from men black white, red, yellow and polka-dot who have been down this road.

Maybe it’s time to change the name of this blog from “Confessions of a Down-low Brother” to “Adventures of a Newly Gay Married Brother Who Used to Be Down-Low and Gave that Shit Up.”

Okay…that title is too long…I’ll think of something else…


  1. Anonymous

    congratulations – i made the decision 7 years ago to tell my wife and come out – she is my best friend to this day – i can totally relate to the comment about 'it is too tiring' – i always had a cover story for where I was, what I would say if questioned, 7 years later my career has taken off, I'm happy, relaxed and dating (a couple of relationships in there – 1 bad, 1 nice) – good luck, thanks for sharing your story, you are an honorable man living your truth.


    Thats very admirable of you. Your blog is going to initiate something that should have been implanted in black minds long ago! The sad apart about it all is that many of us would prefer to live an unhealthy and miserable life, all to cover up the very feelings and thoughts one has about his own self. Those same people that you hide from are either out sucking their own “found” piece of dick or ass or talk about it as new gossip for the next 2 weeks….The reality is, as you get older people could care less about what you do with your own life. The only people that forge negative attitudes and comments are the ones that are projecting them through “displacement”, to make themselves feel better for their own screwed up lives.

    I'm a young, black, very masculine, male who has been living his life. And what I mean by that is “living my life”. I don't feel the need to “come out” or tell people my business but I do, however, do whatever the hell I want and say fuck everyone else. I'm educated ( a medical student) and have accomplished many things without the help or support of parents and family. I dropped out of high school when I was 16 and have been grinding ever since. These are just examples of why I admire people who aren't afraid to step up and “do the damn thing”, especially black men..all in the name of happiness…and that's not possible if you're hiding or have an overwhelming fear of something irrelevant (ie being “outed”)…..stick to your desires and go out and grab your happiness! its waiting for you….Take care

  3. Anonymous

    Hi Imanuel,

    I´m a straight female Swedish artist with an interest in male gay stories. I think it´s sexy. I don´t really understand why, but I do.
    Since I´ve found your blog I´m following it every day and are always happy when there´s a new post. It´s so unique to follow a person´s development at the same time as it´s happening. Also that you mix analyses of the dl phenomena, your own relationship problems with graphic sex descriptions and it feels totally natural. I´ve never seen that before.
    I´m very happy that I´ve found your blog! I hope you will continue to write it even if you are out.



  4. Anonymous

    Congratulations my Brotha. Our life stories sound very similar however I'm still with my wife. I've often felt the need to leave and be truthful, but frankly fear the social impact on my wife and especially my children. I've just discovered your blog and look forward to your continued updates. Thanks for sharing your experiences.

    Down South Brotha.

  5. Brooklyn

    “Adventures of a Newly Gay Married Brother Who Used to Be Down-Low and Gave that Shit Up.”

    This is currently the theme of my life also. It's a beautiful thing, (what we did) comrade.

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