School Boy Crush

School Boy Crush

A face from my past caught up with me on Facebook this morning.

A high school classmate sent me a Facebook friend suggestion, “Demetrius Woods.”

Damn. Demetrius and I had gone to junior high, high school and college together but I had not seen him in more than 20 years. He looked pretty much the same in his profile photo except his face was fuller and he had a little belly.

I thought a few minutes. Should I or shouldn’t I? Then I clicked on the button to send Demetrius a friend request. You see, we might have a lot to talk about.

Demetrius, who was a tall, lanky, light-skinned dude with curly hair in school, had a hankering for me decades before I got into dudes. But I didn’t realize it then. At first I thought he was just an asshole. However, he ended up arousing something in me.

When we were around others, sitting at the lunch table or practicing in band class, he would tease me and jone on me. If I was trying to talk to a girl, he would try to talk to the same girl. Sometimes he would get the girl because he was a wide receiver on the football team and had pretty boy looks while I was dark-skinned (which wasn’t in style then) and known more for my smarts.

“Why are you always fucking around with Immanuel,” my best buddy “Maddox” would say to him. “He never bothers you. Shit, you act like you got a crush on him.”

Maddox was right. When I was walking down the hall sometimes Demetrius would walk by me and brush up against me. When I would look up to see who it was he would look me deeply in the eyes. When we sat in Mr. Aboud’s physics class I would sometimes look up from my calculations and notice him staring at me from across the room.

There was something else about him.  I noticed he would hang around one dude all the time, a tall, quiet, nice-looking cat named “Tyler.” They were inseparable. When I saw them I would get an odd feeling that I couldn’t express. They looked almost like a….couple? But back then everybody had a best buddy that they hung out with, slept over with etc. So it wasn’t a big deal.

There was even a slang term for it. “Oh, there’s your butt-boy Marcus,” someone would say. That meant the guy was around you so much it was like he was up your butt.

Flash forward a year. It is 1983. Demetrius and I ended up going to the same college and pledging the same fraternity. For some reason we kept getting thrown together when the frat members needed pledgees to do some task.

One day the pledgees were taking showers in some dorm. The brothers had been hazing us hard and it was the first break we had had in hours. It was one of those big, open shower rooms with a dozen shower heads on the wall.  I looked up and there was Demetrius again, staring at me. Except this time we were both butt naked.

My dick started to rise. And I know Demetrius saw it because he kept looking at me, almost like he was worshipping me with his eyes.  I wrapped a towel quickly around my middle and rushed off to get dressed.

“What is wrong with me?” I thought. “Why did my dick get hard? I like girls. I can’t let the other pledges see me get hard around a bunch of guys. They will think I’m a faggot.”

I didn’t understand myself yet. I’m smiling as I write this thinking about my past self. I was so suppressed.

One night about a week after the shower Demetrius and I were walking alone together, side by side, when he reached over and pulled me to him, hugged me tight and kissed me on the cheek. It wasn’t a brotherly hug. It was like a hug you give your sweetheart.

It scared the shit out of me. Because it felt so wrong and so right at the same time.

I dropped line from the frat soon after. I told my friends and family other reasons for dropping line — I didn’t like the violence and hazing, the brothers were asking us to buy them drugs, and my grades were plummeting. What I didn’t tell them is that I had to get away from Demetrius. I was convinced he was turning me gay.

Flash forward. It is 1987. I had graduated college, was young and a poorly paid new professional, and enjoyed myself clubbing three or four nights a week. Demetrius became a DJ and was spinning the turntables at a club I frequented.  He was off duty one night I was there and had a pretty, petite, light-skinned girl on his arm.

 They walked through my group of friends and Demetrius brushed up against me and looked back at me.
“Damn, he is rude,” one of buddies commented. “What’s up with him?”
I didn’t say anything. They didn’t know Demetrius and I had been playing this game since high school.

Flash forward. It is May 21, 2010. Now Demetrius and I might end up being Facebook friends. Life is funny, isn’t it?

(Update: Demetrius accepted my friend request a few hours after I posted this blog entry.)


  1. Anonymous

    great post. I love your writing and can relate to a lot of the things that you write about. Sometimes it feels like you are telling my story. The only difference is that I embraced the lifestyle a little earlier than you did.

    Keep up the great work!!

  2. Yes, really great! I love all your posts and follow your blog everyday even if I seldom comment. I really like that you're so sincere. that your mix of all these different texts (and photos), both the sex descriptions, your nude photos and when you're talking about relationship issues, how your wife found out which must have been very hard. And this last post was fascinating, both sweet and intriguing.
    I'm just curious. How come you didn't realize you were gay until so late? Didn't you have thoughts about guys? Didn't you fantasize or long for someone? It's not like you realized you were gay but didn't act on it. Or?

  3. @Anonymous, thanks for your kind words. It is really inspiring. And congratulations on finding yourself earlier!

    @Honey Hood: I mix my writing because some readers like the sex but others have asked me to write more about my relationship with my wife. That was a extremely difficult thing to remember and write about. I was slightly depressed for a day afterward. She is really a sweet person and I hope she grows. Matter of fact, I just got back from visiting the family home and spoke with her. We are cordial and we are working on legal issues so there is some resentment there, which is natural. I am learning to be quiet and listen more and talk less!

    Okay, I have always fantasized about guys. But I also love and admire women too. Sex with my wife was great. The problem was I acted on my fantasy and discovered it made me feel more real and comfortable dealing with men. Sexuality can shift as you get older. Also, I grew up in the late 70s and early 80s — it was different culture then. The issue with Demetrius is that he aroused a desire in me that I felt extremely uncomfortable with at the time.

    Thanks for reading my blog. I am humbled by your nice comments. And please ask me any questions you like.

  4. this is amazing, i've always refused to understand men that were on the dl, al ways thought they were cowards or just retrained by their education. any way i despised them, today i learned why , i was once “a demitrius under the shower” i was humiliated when i tried to kiss you and you turned away from me. well the situation were not that quite similar but i really was so caught up in your story and you became him. its not a question of generation there will always be men on the dl . by the way, today he's married with kids and we are facebook friends. he called me on my birthday and i answered him not realising who he was : pardon me m'am, but who is this am speaking to. i apologised for my mistake,but what was sopposed to be two best friends meeting again turned into a very ackward moment, his wife was at his request listening to our conversation.i am sure i wants to meet me again,he never called back.

  5. ps: my story was in the 70's,and i turned 49 on may 9th. i am sure there are just as much similar stories going on today, if not more. we all make choices, consciously or not, then we have to live up to them in either case. and sometimes we do stumble…life.

  6. Wow, I'm really falling in love with this blog! It's so different from what I usually subscribe to. My English Major really wants to do a literary analysis of the post, but I'll just commend your writing and say that I'm officially a fan 😉

    I'm going to post a similar story on my blog…

  7. Anonymous

    This is an amazing story. I think there are many men who have experienced what you wrote. As women, I think we struggle to even begin to understand the idea of men who are sexually attracted to men. But we have to realize it's out there. These men are our fathers,brothers, husbands,boyfriends and play brothers.They are our pastors, teachers,professors, lawyers, doctors and colleagues. They are people we see everyday. I am just becoming aware of the fact that there are a lot of genuinely good hearted men out here who don't mean harm, but they are struggling deeply with their sexual orientation. If they don't know what it means, how can they translate that to a woman or their family? And too often, the family is not very open to the idea of “my kin” being homosexual.

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