I met him a few weeks ago. Not for a hookup but just to talk, because he really needed a friend.

“Xavier” is handsome and successful. He flies around the world for his job, drives a top of the line Lexus and lives in a mini mansion in a gated golf course community. A handsome, brown skinned, slightly plump brother with hair so curly it looks wet.

But his eyes have a haunted, guilty look. He is yet another married brother who is gay but trapped by family and societal expectations. We meet online and I tell him I have separated from my wife. He reads the blog and agrees to meet me. We talk in the parking lot of the apartment building where I live.

“My wife found out I like men so we are trying to work through it,” he says.

“Wow, how is that working out?”

“Well, we agreed to have an open relationship but now a guy is calling her and I have to admit I’m jealous.”

“Look Xavier, you don’t have kids so why not just get out of the marriage and let her be free to pursue her interests and you be free to do yours. Plus dude you are a bottom. You like dick. There is nothing wrong with that. It is the way God made you. So be yourself.”

But Xavier said he is not ready to drop the facade of a successful black male with the perfect job, perfect wife and perfect house. He said he was afraid of how his family would react and he didn’t like society’s attitude toward gay men.

I guess he is afraid he will branded a sissy. Never mind that many gay and bisexual men I meet are very masculine.

Well something changed in the past month. He called me today but I didn’t have time to talk to him.  So he sent this text to my cellphone:

“So much has changed since last convo. The mrs and I have temp seperated. Will chat with u later. Xavier”

One reason I decided to write this blog is to connect with men in a similar situation and offer support. Xavier reached out to me just to talk and to bare his emotions. That takes bravery. And maybe I set an example…who knows?

Things will work out Xavier. Just take them one day at a time.


  1. Hey Manny, I think you gave Xavier very good advice…The only issue I have is the “Plus dude you are a bottom” adding. Im not sure exactly how that is relevant to his jealousy or his disinterest of disconnecting with his wife. You like “dick” too, believe it or not, else you wouldn't be interested in being with men. Your positional preference as top does not exempt you from that kind of reality that Xavier has to deal with. If that were true, you'd still be with your wife, doing all of the penetrating (or at most, another women). Get it? Too often we as Americans are programmed to irrelevantly classify things that help very little. Your advice can only be valid for the sake of him getting away from his wife because of the lack “interest”, not because he specifically likes to be penetrated. In fact, you are quite the anomaly of previously married men who have an interest in penetrating when they hookup with men.

  2. Yusuf, I think it is relevant. I know married guys who are bottom who are totally turned off by a woman's sexual organs. True, there are masculine bottoms but the many I know are more feminine. So in my opinion bottoms should be more ready to get out of a marriage than a top male who is able to enjoy males and females.But yeah,I value your opinion and will avoid making generalizations like that again. I just get tired of meeting more feminine bottom men who are trying to fake attractions to females when they really crave dick.

  3. Thanks for that response Manny. In the context of masculine and feminine, it does become relevant, you are right. But I think you are slightly blinded by your lack of exposure to “Real Men” in the DMV. Most of the bottoms you know are feminine???? Something tells me you haven't been dealing with your correct crowd in the lifestyle….Maybe we need to hangout one day.

    And I know tops who do actually enjoy topping that are just as turned off by the thought of females, me being one of them…I've never had sex with a female yet feel very secure in my preference… it goes both ways. I think that as you continue through your journey many of your thoughts and ideas are going to transform. But only time and experience can be your toyota, taking you from ignorance to wisdom. Take Care

  4. Anonymous

    Wow, my situation is similar to Xaviers. However, I'm still with my wife (21 years) and have 2 teenage children. I feel trapped by societal expectations and downright fear of rejection.

  5. Anonymous

    I'm a female. For those of you in this type of situation, did you always feel this way? Meaning, did you always have an attraction to men or did it develop over time? And did you act on this attraction before or after marriage? Do you think your wives suspect? Also, life is too short to live a lie. Maybe some of you should find a counselor and deal with it individually and then decide how to tell your wives.

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